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He hasn't mentioned DD, it's me suggesting it. I used the law as a last recourse to win arguments. And I deprived him of any recourse at all or to have any real effect. What would his choice be but to leave me? I don't want that. I love him, but fair is fair. So yes, I am grovelling. I'm grovelling to all of you. He didn't point out any of my mistakes, it's me realizing them. I'm suffering from the "I told you so," but he hasn't even said anything like that. His past arguments are only ringing in my head.
I'm consenting to something that all of you here are talking about. Why? Because I very much know myself. Because I love him. And because our lives are important. This isn't about submitting unconditionally. He would think that's mindless and he wouldn't be happy with that. What I'm talking about is giving him recourse if from my decisions I threaten the foundation of our finances, or our relationship. Not over losing a set of keys, or forgetting to run an errand. What I'm talking about is a protection over us and me. I value our relationship, and after 8 years I have finally determined what can work; to allow him to be dominant in the areas he has proven himself. I certainly trust his judgement. I certainly do not fear him. But by not fearing him he ultimately has no say, because believe me I can work around anything else. I know myself. I'm saying that I love him enough to not lose my relationship. I consent to his position, and when I don't I expect him to be firm. In fact, that's perhaps the greatest gift I can give him; to allow him to be firm without the law.
We can't have a buddy-type relationship where I'm one of the guys or he's one of the girls. That's all. He's ready to do and be what I've denied him all along. Sure he's made mistakes, it's not just me. But the mistakes are the ones I demanded. I am living in the full of it now because he isn't around to fix it. What kind of mistakes? Like, letting my son (24 and living at home) borrow my car (it wasn't fully insured), even while Josh has repeatedly said "no don't do it." Where's my car? It's in the impound with the front end mangled (son's ok), but the point is this will make the 7th car my son has lost (for various reasons, between me, his own, and Josh's!). And I don't have a car now. I'm driving Josh's. Why did I lend it? Oh I felt so sorry for my son (he refuses to work and lives at home living the party lifestyle), I thought he was earnest about being responsible. Well Josh would have put the foot down. The car wouldn't have gone out. Knowing me, we would have argued about it because I would be inclined to believe, oh my son has changed sort of thing. In fact if I let Josh have his way my son would be working and paying rent.
